My sister sent me the following proposed alternative to the newly instituted intrusive pat-downs and scans at airports:
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this crap about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials.
This is so simple that it’s brilliant. I can see it now: you’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, “Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number…”
Of course, that relies upon the cooperation of the TSA. I have some other suggestions that we passengers can implement ourselves to peacefully protest the intrusion:
- If you’re male, grab a copy of Penthouse at the newsstand and work up something, um, firm for the agent to pat.
- When asked to submit to the pat-down, tell the agent that it’s only fair that you do the same for them once you’re “done”.
- As the agent begins, remark “It’s been so long since anyone’s touched me.” As their hands near your crotch area, close your eyes and start to moan — culminating with a shouted “Stay on it! Yes! YES!!!”
- When asked to remove some item of clothing, take it all off. Yes, the Full Monty. To the agent’s surprised look, respond “Nice one, ain’t it?”
They might not allow you on the plane, but you’d have a lot more fun than squeezing your butt between two fat guys on row 36 anyway.